huh?

I know this happens to other people because I've seen it.  It happens to me every now and then, but I haven't really said anything about it before for fear of offending people and just not having the right words at the right moment (something I struggle with constantly).  I am saying something now.

Why can't my husband do things he wants to do, say what he wants to say, and be what he wants be without someone saying, "Oooh, you're gonna be on the couch tonight!" Or something to that effect.  Is it not possible that I want him to do what he wants to do, because he'll be happier?  Is it not  possible that I want him to say what he wants to say, because I know it comes from his heart and is truly how he feels?  Is it not possible that I want him to be what he wants to be because ultimately, he will shine brighter for doing so and I will be more proud of him than anything?

To those of you still unsure of the answers to my rhetorical questions, YES!  Not only possible, but actual fact!  I love knowing my husband can just be himself without feeling like he has to check in or that he will have to "pay for it" later.  He is a grown man.  Let him be.  He will do things of his own accord that no nagging, no guilt trips, no belittling, no manipulation, no use of threats could ever pressure him to do. 

To this end (meaning knowing his own choices without pressure will be just that, his own) I have learned and still am learning to hold my tongue when he does something that wasn't exactly in my plans.  I generally go along and truly do enjoy it.  I have learned and am still learning when he says something that doesn't necessarily feel that great to me (call it constructive criticism, or whatever you may), to take a step back and try to understand where it is coming from.  Much growth comes from this.  He may also tell me things I really didn't want to know (like how attractive someone ELSE is), but I can acknowledge the accuracy and feel confident that he would not tell me these things if he didn't trust me.  I would rather him be honest and  true to himself, not afraid of me.  I must say we've had some wonderful conversations beginning with things I didn't necessarily "want" him to say. 

When he knows he can do and say things without fear or pressure, he is more the man I love and less the man I govern.  He calls it micro-managing.  I will admit I wasn't always this way and as I said, I am still learning to control my own impulses to micro-manage.  Many, if not most women, start this early in their marriage because they want things to be "perfect."  If having domination over your husband is perfection to you, you have serious issues.  Seriously.  A person cannot truly and effectively change to be what someone else wants based on negative manipulation or control.  Perhaps they can change temporarily, but built up resentment will eventually burst through as no child of God will continue to do things they feel forced to do for very long.

In my case, acknowledging that I was doing this was the first step.  I just wanted everyone  to be happy...my way.  I just knew the things he was saying, doing, and being were not appropriate...for my picture of marital bliss.  I just....I just....I just ended up causing more problems.  Worse problems than I thought we already had. 

Even if and when things temporarily changed to be what I wanted and expected, and even though there may have been some small satisfaction in that, there could not have been actual happiness.  What I'm trying to say is so often a woman's idea of perfection gets in the way and no matter how hard she tries to get there it would never be enough even her husband did every thing she said.  Because, whether it is conciously realized or not, the fact is, her image of perfection honestly includes her husband automatically doing all these things on his own, without being told, without being even asked.

So when I forget to be kind and accepting and supportive, I remember the experiences of the past and work on changing...again.

This is not to say that Troy and I have an unbalanced relationship.  Not at all!  I do, say, and be what I want to be.  I want to be that kind of wife, though.  We do have conversations when I strongly disagree with something (and vice versa) and we come to an understanding.  Generally, I just didn't understand where he was coming from.  Sometimes it is the other way around.  But either way, we try to weigh the importance of the issue at hand and address each others concerns. 

I love having my husband in the bed beside me.  Kicking him onto the couch would only make me unhappy.  So, to those of you who tell my husband he's going to be on the couch tonight, I simply say: No, he will not.

a curse?

Troy and I were talking recently about his ability to discern the true character of people sometimes at a glance.  Some would say he is judging a book by the cover, but this is not exactly the case.  There are certain things he notices and when these things are put together he can tell a lot about someone.  Funny thing, he is most often very accurate.  I love that Troy has this ability.  He is aggravated by it at times, but overall I do think it is a positve capability rather than a curse.  Seeing how people are makes him more thoughtful and aware of who he is willing to trust and with what things they can and should be entrusted.  He is very careful about who plays a significant part in the lives of our children and for that, I am especially grateful.

impending departure

Troy flew down to my parents' place to help them move here.  He and my parents made these arrangements to give Troy a sense of peace that things would be alright with our family while he is away, to help our kids cope better with his absence, and to alleviate some of the added stress in my life.

The coming of my parents, though, signifies it is getting closer to the time that Troy will be leaving for training and then deploying to Iraq.  I do feel the strain of that knowledge pressing in.  There are times that I just want to curl up in a ball and lock my door to the world.  But then I remember, he is here, now.  And even when he does go, the world is a very small place these days with internet and technology to maintain communication.  I am grateful for what I have today.

potential

Troy is into restoring old cars.  Not just any old car, though.  His love is Volkswagens.  We have several currently and although I do give him a hard time about it, I have actually become a Volkswagen admirer along with him.

One thing I love about him is his ability to see beyond the rust, the flat tires, the faded paint, the holes in the floor boards, even a dead engine and see the potential in the car.  He has had a vision for all the vehicles we've had in the past 16 years (and that has not been a few).  When he first purchased our 1985 Vanagon it was "cocaine white" he calls it and blue interior.  It was, by most standards, an ugly piece of junk.  He dealt with teasing, with car failure, with looks of disdain but he loved that van no matter what.  He knew what it would become.

Today, those same people that teased and gave looks of disdain are now envious and admiring of the vanagon.  Troy has restored it to a place no one else could have, would have, or did imagine.  It is beautiful.  He receives comments and compliments almost everywhere he goes.  People driving their new Hondas go into shock when he passes them in the 1985 VW Vanagon with complete ease. 

I love Troy for seeing potential; for not giving in to the criticism given to his dream and his love.

all mine

This may sound a little strange, but I love Troy because he is mine.  Let me explain.  Honestly, I do not go for the notion that there is one person on earth that you are meant to be with.  I believe we have a choice in that, and there are many people that would be totally acceptable spouses.  But once that choice is made, that's it. 

Troy is my choice.  He's my husband, my companion, my choice.  After so many years together we are fairly acquainted with each other's quirks.  We are comfortable around each other. We can and do tell each other most everything.  We enjoy each other's company and laugh together regularly.  There is no one else that I can or want to do this with. 

When a child gets attached to a blanket or teddy bear, it is typically not the most fluffy or cute thing around.  Often the blanket is small and thin, but it is theirs.  The child will go nowhere without it.  He must have it when he needs comfort, when he plays, when he is scared, or when he just wants to relax.  That being the case, the favorite blanket goes through experiences with the child so the child loves it all the more.  When a new, pretty, fluffy, cozy blanket is offered to the child he refuses and will have no thought of replacing the blanket he loves because it is his and nothing else will satisfy.

Troy is mine, which means we have gone and will go through many experiences that have impacted us emotionally, physically, spiritually, and many other ways.  Nothing can compare to the connection we have built from these shared experiences. 

He is my highest valued possession so to say and I will guard, polish, and take the greatest care in this investment. 

spring :)

Finally!  It's not completely official, but I've been able to get on the bicycle several times in the past 2 weeks and that's all I need to be certain summer is coming soon.  One of the things Troy has "introduced" me to is cycling.  He was a major cyclist in his younger years.  He went on week long bike trips, long distance day trips, and even received a couple speeding tickets (which is normally not something to brag about except for the fact that it was while on a bike).

So last summer for HIS birthday he bought ME a bike.  It was a great investment and I have enjoyed it very much.  I rode to and from work 3 days a week until the cold weather and early sunsets made that difficult.  He encouraged me and still does.  It has been a great activity for us to do as a couple and we often involve the whole family.  I look forward to the 25 mile ride we'll take in April and many more rides we will do together in the future.  It is wonderful that he knows so much and has taken the effort (and spent the money) necessary to be sure I have everything needed for my safety, comfort, and speed.

Cycling is a wonderful world that is becoming a regular part of our life.  It is stress relief, exercise, fun, accomplishment, and good times together.  I love Troy for bringing this joy into my life

synergy

I enjoy being able to bounce ideas off someone.  To get their feedback and hear their ideas spurs my own thinking further to better understand concepts I would not have understood as fully if this interaction had not occurred.
This is something I can do with Troy continually.  And because our thought processes are so different I glean new ways of understanding regularly.  Even though we think differently, our belief systems are very similar.  We both have the same religion and are on the same level in that religion.  We both have strong desires and aspirations for our children, and we both want our children to be masters of their own lives.  We both just want to do our best. 

I love Troy for being different from me enough to cause me to think harder and similar to me enough at the same time which ensures we have a mutual understanding on most issues.