I know this happens to other people because I've seen it. It happens to me every now and then, but I haven't really said anything about it before for fear of offending people and just not having the right words at the right moment (something I struggle with constantly). I am saying something now.
Why can't my husband do things he wants to do, say what he wants to say, and be what he wants be without someone saying, "Oooh, you're gonna be on the couch tonight!" Or something to that effect. Is it not possible that I want him to do what he wants to do, because he'll be happier? Is it not possible that I want him to say what he wants to say, because I know it comes from his heart and is truly how he feels? Is it not possible that I want him to be what he wants to be because ultimately, he will shine brighter for doing so and I will be more proud of him than anything?
To those of you still unsure of the answers to my rhetorical questions, YES! Not only possible, but actual fact! I love knowing my husband can just be himself without feeling like he has to check in or that he will have to "pay for it" later. He is a grown man. Let him be. He will do things of his own accord that no nagging, no guilt trips, no belittling, no manipulation, no use of threats could ever pressure him to do.
To this end (meaning knowing his own choices without pressure will be just that, his own) I have learned and still am learning to hold my tongue when he does something that wasn't exactly in my plans. I generally go along and truly do enjoy it. I have learned and am still learning when he says something that doesn't necessarily feel that great to me (call it constructive criticism, or whatever you may), to take a step back and try to understand where it is coming from. Much growth comes from this. He may also tell me things I really didn't want to know (like how attractive someone ELSE is), but I can acknowledge the accuracy and feel confident that he would not tell me these things if he didn't trust me. I would rather him be honest and true to himself, not afraid of me. I must say we've had some wonderful conversations beginning with things I didn't necessarily "want" him to say.
When he knows he can do and say things without fear or pressure, he is more the man I love and less the man I govern. He calls it micro-managing. I will admit I wasn't always this way and as I said, I am still learning to control my own impulses to micro-manage. Many, if not most women, start this early in their marriage because they want things to be "perfect." If having domination over your husband is perfection to you, you have serious issues. Seriously. A person cannot truly and effectively change to be what someone else wants based on negative manipulation or control. Perhaps they can change temporarily, but built up resentment will eventually burst through as no child of God will continue to do things they feel forced to do for very long.
In my case, acknowledging that I was doing this was the first step. I just wanted everyone to be happy...my way. I just knew the things he was saying, doing, and being were not appropriate...for my picture of marital bliss. I just....I just....I just ended up causing more problems. Worse problems than I thought we already had.
Even if and when things temporarily changed to be what I wanted and expected, and even though there may have been some small satisfaction in that, there could not have been actual happiness. What I'm trying to say is so often a woman's idea of perfection gets in the way and no matter how hard she tries to get there it would never be enough even her husband did every thing she said. Because, whether it is conciously realized or not, the fact is, her image of perfection honestly includes her husband automatically doing all these things on his own, without being told, without being even asked.
So when I forget to be kind and accepting and supportive, I remember the experiences of the past and work on changing...again.
This is not to say that Troy and I have an unbalanced relationship. Not at all! I do, say, and be what I want to be. I want to be that kind of wife, though. We do have conversations when I strongly disagree with something (and vice versa) and we come to an understanding. Generally, I just didn't understand where he was coming from. Sometimes it is the other way around. But either way, we try to weigh the importance of the issue at hand and address each others concerns.
I love having my husband in the bed beside me. Kicking him onto the couch would only make me unhappy. So, to those of you who tell my husband he's going to be on the couch tonight, I simply say: No, he will not.
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