huh?

I know this happens to other people because I've seen it.  It happens to me every now and then, but I haven't really said anything about it before for fear of offending people and just not having the right words at the right moment (something I struggle with constantly).  I am saying something now.

Why can't my husband do things he wants to do, say what he wants to say, and be what he wants be without someone saying, "Oooh, you're gonna be on the couch tonight!" Or something to that effect.  Is it not possible that I want him to do what he wants to do, because he'll be happier?  Is it not  possible that I want him to say what he wants to say, because I know it comes from his heart and is truly how he feels?  Is it not possible that I want him to be what he wants to be because ultimately, he will shine brighter for doing so and I will be more proud of him than anything?

To those of you still unsure of the answers to my rhetorical questions, YES!  Not only possible, but actual fact!  I love knowing my husband can just be himself without feeling like he has to check in or that he will have to "pay for it" later.  He is a grown man.  Let him be.  He will do things of his own accord that no nagging, no guilt trips, no belittling, no manipulation, no use of threats could ever pressure him to do. 

To this end (meaning knowing his own choices without pressure will be just that, his own) I have learned and still am learning to hold my tongue when he does something that wasn't exactly in my plans.  I generally go along and truly do enjoy it.  I have learned and am still learning when he says something that doesn't necessarily feel that great to me (call it constructive criticism, or whatever you may), to take a step back and try to understand where it is coming from.  Much growth comes from this.  He may also tell me things I really didn't want to know (like how attractive someone ELSE is), but I can acknowledge the accuracy and feel confident that he would not tell me these things if he didn't trust me.  I would rather him be honest and  true to himself, not afraid of me.  I must say we've had some wonderful conversations beginning with things I didn't necessarily "want" him to say. 

When he knows he can do and say things without fear or pressure, he is more the man I love and less the man I govern.  He calls it micro-managing.  I will admit I wasn't always this way and as I said, I am still learning to control my own impulses to micro-manage.  Many, if not most women, start this early in their marriage because they want things to be "perfect."  If having domination over your husband is perfection to you, you have serious issues.  Seriously.  A person cannot truly and effectively change to be what someone else wants based on negative manipulation or control.  Perhaps they can change temporarily, but built up resentment will eventually burst through as no child of God will continue to do things they feel forced to do for very long.

In my case, acknowledging that I was doing this was the first step.  I just wanted everyone  to be happy...my way.  I just knew the things he was saying, doing, and being were not appropriate...for my picture of marital bliss.  I just....I just....I just ended up causing more problems.  Worse problems than I thought we already had. 

Even if and when things temporarily changed to be what I wanted and expected, and even though there may have been some small satisfaction in that, there could not have been actual happiness.  What I'm trying to say is so often a woman's idea of perfection gets in the way and no matter how hard she tries to get there it would never be enough even her husband did every thing she said.  Because, whether it is conciously realized or not, the fact is, her image of perfection honestly includes her husband automatically doing all these things on his own, without being told, without being even asked.

So when I forget to be kind and accepting and supportive, I remember the experiences of the past and work on changing...again.

This is not to say that Troy and I have an unbalanced relationship.  Not at all!  I do, say, and be what I want to be.  I want to be that kind of wife, though.  We do have conversations when I strongly disagree with something (and vice versa) and we come to an understanding.  Generally, I just didn't understand where he was coming from.  Sometimes it is the other way around.  But either way, we try to weigh the importance of the issue at hand and address each others concerns. 

I love having my husband in the bed beside me.  Kicking him onto the couch would only make me unhappy.  So, to those of you who tell my husband he's going to be on the couch tonight, I simply say: No, he will not.

a curse?

Troy and I were talking recently about his ability to discern the true character of people sometimes at a glance.  Some would say he is judging a book by the cover, but this is not exactly the case.  There are certain things he notices and when these things are put together he can tell a lot about someone.  Funny thing, he is most often very accurate.  I love that Troy has this ability.  He is aggravated by it at times, but overall I do think it is a positve capability rather than a curse.  Seeing how people are makes him more thoughtful and aware of who he is willing to trust and with what things they can and should be entrusted.  He is very careful about who plays a significant part in the lives of our children and for that, I am especially grateful.

impending departure

Troy flew down to my parents' place to help them move here.  He and my parents made these arrangements to give Troy a sense of peace that things would be alright with our family while he is away, to help our kids cope better with his absence, and to alleviate some of the added stress in my life.

The coming of my parents, though, signifies it is getting closer to the time that Troy will be leaving for training and then deploying to Iraq.  I do feel the strain of that knowledge pressing in.  There are times that I just want to curl up in a ball and lock my door to the world.  But then I remember, he is here, now.  And even when he does go, the world is a very small place these days with internet and technology to maintain communication.  I am grateful for what I have today.

potential

Troy is into restoring old cars.  Not just any old car, though.  His love is Volkswagens.  We have several currently and although I do give him a hard time about it, I have actually become a Volkswagen admirer along with him.

One thing I love about him is his ability to see beyond the rust, the flat tires, the faded paint, the holes in the floor boards, even a dead engine and see the potential in the car.  He has had a vision for all the vehicles we've had in the past 16 years (and that has not been a few).  When he first purchased our 1985 Vanagon it was "cocaine white" he calls it and blue interior.  It was, by most standards, an ugly piece of junk.  He dealt with teasing, with car failure, with looks of disdain but he loved that van no matter what.  He knew what it would become.

Today, those same people that teased and gave looks of disdain are now envious and admiring of the vanagon.  Troy has restored it to a place no one else could have, would have, or did imagine.  It is beautiful.  He receives comments and compliments almost everywhere he goes.  People driving their new Hondas go into shock when he passes them in the 1985 VW Vanagon with complete ease. 

I love Troy for seeing potential; for not giving in to the criticism given to his dream and his love.

all mine

This may sound a little strange, but I love Troy because he is mine.  Let me explain.  Honestly, I do not go for the notion that there is one person on earth that you are meant to be with.  I believe we have a choice in that, and there are many people that would be totally acceptable spouses.  But once that choice is made, that's it. 

Troy is my choice.  He's my husband, my companion, my choice.  After so many years together we are fairly acquainted with each other's quirks.  We are comfortable around each other. We can and do tell each other most everything.  We enjoy each other's company and laugh together regularly.  There is no one else that I can or want to do this with. 

When a child gets attached to a blanket or teddy bear, it is typically not the most fluffy or cute thing around.  Often the blanket is small and thin, but it is theirs.  The child will go nowhere without it.  He must have it when he needs comfort, when he plays, when he is scared, or when he just wants to relax.  That being the case, the favorite blanket goes through experiences with the child so the child loves it all the more.  When a new, pretty, fluffy, cozy blanket is offered to the child he refuses and will have no thought of replacing the blanket he loves because it is his and nothing else will satisfy.

Troy is mine, which means we have gone and will go through many experiences that have impacted us emotionally, physically, spiritually, and many other ways.  Nothing can compare to the connection we have built from these shared experiences. 

He is my highest valued possession so to say and I will guard, polish, and take the greatest care in this investment. 

spring :)

Finally!  It's not completely official, but I've been able to get on the bicycle several times in the past 2 weeks and that's all I need to be certain summer is coming soon.  One of the things Troy has "introduced" me to is cycling.  He was a major cyclist in his younger years.  He went on week long bike trips, long distance day trips, and even received a couple speeding tickets (which is normally not something to brag about except for the fact that it was while on a bike).

So last summer for HIS birthday he bought ME a bike.  It was a great investment and I have enjoyed it very much.  I rode to and from work 3 days a week until the cold weather and early sunsets made that difficult.  He encouraged me and still does.  It has been a great activity for us to do as a couple and we often involve the whole family.  I look forward to the 25 mile ride we'll take in April and many more rides we will do together in the future.  It is wonderful that he knows so much and has taken the effort (and spent the money) necessary to be sure I have everything needed for my safety, comfort, and speed.

Cycling is a wonderful world that is becoming a regular part of our life.  It is stress relief, exercise, fun, accomplishment, and good times together.  I love Troy for bringing this joy into my life

synergy

I enjoy being able to bounce ideas off someone.  To get their feedback and hear their ideas spurs my own thinking further to better understand concepts I would not have understood as fully if this interaction had not occurred.
This is something I can do with Troy continually.  And because our thought processes are so different I glean new ways of understanding regularly.  Even though we think differently, our belief systems are very similar.  We both have the same religion and are on the same level in that religion.  We both have strong desires and aspirations for our children, and we both want our children to be masters of their own lives.  We both just want to do our best. 

I love Troy for being different from me enough to cause me to think harder and similar to me enough at the same time which ensures we have a mutual understanding on most issues.

small things

It has been a busy week.  Probably the most stressful I've had in a long time.  I love knowing when I come home that I will eventually get to spend a few minutes with Troy to share our day's events.  I love hearing him joke about the obnoxious people in line at the post office, or Lacey's excitement when she saw the Carl's Jr playplace slide out the window of the car, and even his frustrations of the day.  It puts me back into perspective.  We all have tough times, we all have good times, and we all have times that are simply "eh."   Then I love being able to share my day with him, to let him know of how good it feels to be home, to feel some peace, to have him near.

These brief minutes at the end of each day add up.  They define "us" more so than any vacation or 2nd honeymoon or whatever.  Although, those things are wonderful when they come around as well.  I am reminded of a beautiful verse, "by small and simple things are great things brought to pass." (Alma 37:6)

good intentions

Ok, ok.  So it's been a while.  It happens.  And you know what?  I am still loved.

I love Troy for loving me even when I fall short on things like this.

love at home

We  have a little wall-hanging that has the sayi ng, "The smile of someone you love is like sunshine in the house."  That is so true to me.

I love Troy's smile.  I love the wrinkles and crinkles around his eyes.  I love his countenance when he is happy.  It truly warms my whole soul to see him finding joy in life. 

Why do I love seeing him happy?  ...that is something to think about.  Part of it is probably that I am grateful to be a part of his happiness.  Making others happy, makes us happy in return.  In general, people are more attractive when they are happy so that is an additional reason I'm sure as well.  Life just feels right when he is happy.  Things are well and nothing could make it any better other than continuing the moment for eternity.   When there is happiness in our home I know that our children will receive the best care and all goodness needed to establish their confidence and provide a strong and secure foundation for the rest of their lives.  We're here to be happy, to find true joy.  When Troy smiles, I find joy.

happiness is

Another thing I love about Troy is what a great dad he is to our children.  I love seeing him with kids in general but especially our own.  He loves to play and make them happy.  I love how he gets them smiling and giggling and then cracking up.  Seeing them enjoying life for a few moments is  wonderful things in life.  I love seeing their interaction and watching them build trust and love for each other.

I look forward to watching his relationship with each of them develop as they grow.  And although it is in the distant future, I also look forward to seeing him with our grandchildren.

the stay-at-home

I work outside the home.  Not something we really expected or wanted, but it has been what we've done pretty much since we were married.  I am really grateful that Troy is there to handle most of the "stay at home" parent stuff.  I don't need to worry about being there for the Sears guy to check the washing machine.  Taking the kids to the orthodontist or dentist is typically his deal.  And Troy handles making sure the kids are home safely and everything is under control.  As much I miss some of the good stuff, I love Troy for handling the every day business of home life so I don't need to be concerned.  I am 100% confident he is on top of it.

happy wife = happy home

Like many others, there are two sides of myself that seem often to be at odds against each other.  The side that wants things in general: a bigger dresser for the kids, a counter height dining table, that pretty skirt, or just going out to eat so I don't have to worry about cooking or cleaning.  Then there's the side that is frugal and saves and watches the pennies.  The frugal side typically wins out.  The lifetime percentage of winning is probably around 85% to the frugal side. 

However, these past couple years the desire side has found a way to win out a lot more.  All I do is tell my husband I like something  (not even WANT) and whether it is in the budget or not, if there are available funds it will be mine.  Although I give Troy a hard time about this (due to my frugal side), I do love that he notices and tries everything in his power to do and provide things that he believes will make me happier.

I have to be careful, though.  I mentioned to him when I was pregnant the last time that Sunny Delight was a small craving.  I also mentioned that I loved Milky Way bars.  The next day he came to my office with 2 cases of Sunny D and a 24 count box of Milky Ways.  I had so much, I had to share with everyone so my whole office was spoiled.  They still remember those days. :)  What a great guy.

squishes and smiles

Okay, I admit it...I can be a little uptight sometimes.  I get caught up in the hustle and bustle, the hurrying to get places, the motions.  It often takes a concious effort on my part to relax and enjoy life. 

We went to the ward temple dinner tonight, and the wait after dinner was unsurpassed.  (The Salt Lake temple is closed for cleaning.)  So we finally got to sit down in the chapel that was completely full and Troy squishes himself next to me.  Then he squishes even closer and then again even closer to me.  I almost got squished into the person next to me.  It was good for me, though.  All I was thinking about was getting into the session and this little thing Troy did made me smile and enjoy the moment we had to sit next to each other and just be. 

I love Troy for the way he reminds me to smile.

deep down

You know what I think is strange?  How a person can go through life with the same brothers and sisters, the same mother, and the same father, but when it comes to staying with the same spouse they think that is miraculous or even ridiculous.  No one chooses their siblings or parents and yet they stand by them.  They get angry, yes.  They get bored, yes.  They may even think, "wow, I wish I had a mom like that!" (or sibling, or dad).  Yet through it all they don't once think of seriously severing these relationships.  They know, deep down, they love their family and they would do what it takes no matter what to be there when their family needed them.  They know, despite the arguing, or disagreements; despite the clash of personalities they love something even deeper about their family. 

I've noticed couples where one person is bored, they want a divorce.  Or one person has so much built up anger and bitterness so they want a divorce.  They see another woman or man and think to themselves, "Wow, I wish I had a wife/husband like that!" so they want a divorce.  They say they have fallen out of love.  They say it's too late to get things healthy in their relationship again.  They say it's just not how they thought it would be.

I'm confused that even though we have no choice into which family we're born and we're often significantly different in personalities and other areas, we still love and maintain relationships with our family.  But when it comes to our marriage partner, for whom we diligently searched, tested waters, meditated about, and conciously decided this is the person I want to spend my life and eternity with we all of a sudden feel justified in deciding to get a divorce, because this wasn't really what we bargained for.

Whatever!

I understand that a spousal relationship is unique from any other familial relationship in several ways.  But isn't that all the more reason to maintain the relationship?

I could go on about this, but it's getting late.  I will simply say that I love Troy because we can have disagreements and still be able to joke with each other.  We can even be bored at times, but still be confident in each other's love and commitment.  We know there is something deeper than all that stuff that we love about each other and that will hold us together forever.

sunshine

Can you love and hate something about someone at the same time??

I love how friendly Troy is with everyone he meets.  He enjoys making people feel important and valued.  He will compliment a lady on her dress, or a guy's nice car.  He knows that making people feel important allows them to be comfortable around him.  Experience has taught him to more easily survive in this world the more friends you have the better. 

I really do and always have loved this about him.  How could this be something I would hate as well?  Honestly, I don't hate it at all anymore.  But when we were newly married and he would talk to complete strangers in such a friendly manner, strangers that seemed to be more often than not women, I took this as him flirting with others and felt it was a reflection on me indicating he was not happy with me. 

That could not have been farther from the truth.  The happier Troy and I are with each other and with our relationship, the more able we are to be happy with others.  Amazing, huh?  When the home is happy the rest of the world is easily cheered.  So when I see Troy being confident and considerate with others, I know that we're doing alright.

change

When we found out Troy was going to be deployed, with an estimated departure date and everything, I was sick for a week.  I mean, I went to work, but was literally physically sick.  Every now and then the reality of his deployment hits me.  I haven't been sick over it since we found out, but often a feeling of sadness will overwhelm me and my eyes have teared up before I realize what is going on.

For instance, today at work there was mention of a person that was currently on deployment.  A minute later I became concious of my watery eyes and began rubbing them, trying to act as if something in the air had irritated them.  The thought of him leaving is .... awful.

Let me clarify here that I'm not really complaining.  Yes, I'm scared.  I know how hard it will be.  I know how much I'll miss him.  I know it will be hard on the kids.  BUT, I am sincerely, honestly, truly, actually, and genuinely grateful to feel this.  It may sound like a cliche, but I love to love Troy.  There was a time in our marriage that this would not have been the case.  A time when I was filled with so much bitterness that I would not have cared much at all.  So I love Troy for putting up with me through the hard times and sticking with me when I really wasn't being the best wife.

new horizons

So Troy & I are very different people.  Absolutely anyone who knows us will agree wholeheartedly and will likely go so far as to say we are opposites in many if not most respects.  There is truth to the saying that "opposites attract."  I've seen it, the movies portray it, and it is romantacized.  However, in real life when opposites do come together it is not as easy as the movies make it out to be. 

It is truly wonderful to have this type of relationship.  But it can be the most frustrating thing at the same time.  We fit so well together and clash simultaneously.  We open new, brilliant worlds to each other, and concurrently grate on each other's nerves for doing things so differently than we would do.  It is beautiful and strange; exciting and aggravating; exhilarating and tiring all at once.

Today Troy took me shooting at a gun range.  Not something I would have ever been into on my own.  But you know something?  I really like it.  (as long as I have really good ear protection - which Troy makes certain of)  I love Troy for showing me new worlds, however different, and their individual and particular beauty. 

Maybe calling a love for shooting firearms a beautiful new world is a bit goofy to you.  I won't apologize for it, though.  The small things added up become the summation of what we each call....our life.  There is so much more he has opened my eyes to that I will go into in future posts.  But today, it's shooting, cuz that's what we did and that's what I'm thankful for at this moment.

First of all...

What I fell in love with is not what most people think.  I usually get the whole, "Let me guess, he made you laugh, right?"  That really wasn't it for me.  Although, I may save that for another day. 

The real kicker was how Troy cared for everyone and anyone at any time.  We could be on the way to something important, but if he saw someone on the road that needed assistance and he thought he could help, he would pull over and do whatever it took.  He has not changed, except now he does consider the safety of our family and will not put us in danger for anything.  He still continues to help strangers and friends, and more than just on the road.  His nature is to help those in need. 

That was what I saw and that is what I still admire and love about him.

By way of introduction

Troy & I have been married 15 years ... our 16th anniversary is coming on soon.  We're told he will be leaving for the Middle East late this summer.  I suppose the thought of his imminent departure that will separate us and divide our family for a year has me thinking lately about our relationship and what I take for granted.  He was gone for about 5 months 3 years ago for basic training and half that time we could only communicate via snail mail.  Believe me there were some pretty gushy letters. I'd rather not wait till he's gone this time for my appreciation of all he is to be expressed.

It is more than that, though.  In general, I do not show my feelings.  Well...let me re-phrase that.  I don't often speak the things I feel.  I'm sure much of what I feel is expressed on my face.  It is not necessarily that I do not want to show people how I feel; it is more that I feel unable to verbalize many feelings.  Words do not come at the spur of the moment for me.  And when I force the words to come out, they seem simply inadequate. 

So the point of this blog is: to express my gratitude and love for my husband in a more meaningful and possibly more accurate way than normal.  My personal goal is to publish as often as possible the things I love about my husband, something unique to him or our relationship that I am so thankful for before he leaves.  I also hope that if others happen to take a look at this blog, they will feel more love for their spouse as well.

There may be side notes and sarcasm along the way.  If it bores you, I won't be offended, but try it out.  Who knows, maybe some things I think really are worth something?  (Did I mention there may be sarcasm?)